I took my run earlier today, around high noon. It wasn't an overly hot day and I just felt the need to get out. The run was great--quite relaxing. But sometime during the middle of the afternoon I hit a wall....perhaps even a little panic attack set in. I became anxious and overwhelmed. Then my aunt called and that was the end of everything--I got off the phone and simply wanted to scream.
My patience is shot, so are my nerves. I suppose that I'm trying so hard to "keep it together" that eventually one just can't any longer and there has to be some sort of release. My aunt didn't say anything to upset me but after 10 minutes of explaining why I can't leave earlier tomorrow for the hotel, that yes, the dogs are going to be looked after but that's part of the reason why I can't leave earlier---the last thing Emily (house/pet sitter) needs to do is clean up a mess. No I don't want to bring Mom over for dinner and THEN head to the hotel--it will be too much not only for her, but for me as well, etc. It was just annoying and tiresome. Thank you for offering to help; please don't keep calling and asking me if I need anything--right now I do not need anything. But I bet in two weeks when I'm home alone caring for Mom there will be reason after reason as to why no one can come to Delaware to help me "at that time." I hope I'm wrong but I'm willing to bet I'm not.
I can't concentrate on much of anything right now. I'm picking at Brian's show...got another 2 pages written a few moments ago. And then I sat there incredibly annoyed that I had to create yet ANOTHER equipment change for the guard. Why the fuck do they need 3 flag changes in the first 90 seconds of the show?! Dear Lord, save me from the "more is better" colorguard instructor in Arizona! Brian, if you're reading this: if there is a way for the guard to pick up a new flag NEAR the baritone soloist on side 2, great. If not, I ask again: do they REALLY need ANOTHER flag change???
I love my dogs, but this is the time of night they are a little "busy." And I don't have the patience. So I'm sitting on the deck with the computer surrounded by citronella candles and a delightfully strong Tangueray and tonic. It is and always has been my drink of choice. The dogs just want attention. They simply want their mommy to sit on the couch with them and watch television. But I find I can't sit still--I need to keep moving.
I want the next 2 weeks - month over. I want to know what we're ultimately dealing with. And I want it to be simple and as easy as it can be for Mom. And then I want to play golf, I want to see a movie, I want to take a vacation where I can relax for a few moments without the world crashing in and slamming me to the floor.
It's easy to "want" all those things--and if I could have my choice of only one it would be the "simple and as easy as it can be form Mom" choice.
Time will tell....it always does.
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