The last 6 days have been fairly uneventful. In fact I'm not entirely sure they even existed. I have spent much of my time getting all of my proverbial ducks in a row with regard to the UDMB and DMA. I THINK everything is covered but only time will tell. Recruitment for the band seems to be going well--somewhere in the mid 280's at the moment and a bunch of people still missing from the database. It appears as if we'll be a solid 300 in membership again. Erin and Rob are busting their tails in the office and that's all I can ask of them.
DMA? I will miss my friends this summer--we never get to spend enough time together as it is. But my responsibilities are here. I know that; I own that. Yes, there are plenty of days when I resent it--it's been over 20 years of caregiving on some level and I am, indeed, tired. But, as the saying goes, "It is what it is" and I accept it. There will be plenty of DMAs in the future for me to take part in so no time to wallow in self-pity.
Mom has been doing good and not so good over the week. She's nervous (expected); depressed (expected); and at times none of those things. The most concerning issue has been her lack of communication. Mom has called me, on average, at least 6-8 times a day since Dad passed away back in 1998. This last week: not a single call. I have had to call her. This is incredibly concerning. I am giving her a little bit of space so she can come to grips with things but her silence is frightening. So I've been calling every hour or two for no reason at all. The calls go fine and she's really not aware of the fact that she hasn't been calling....I don't bring it up.
Each day I have gone over the her place. We've either eaten in or gone out to eat lunch or dinner. Again, no matter what, keeping up strength and staying in good health (well, you know what I mean) is more important than anything right now.
And in the evenings I go out for my "quiet time," my 2.5 mile run. And each night, around the halfway point when the endorphins kick in, I'm a mess. I keep running, but it isn't pretty. Lately I've been having quite the argument with God. He and I are not on good terms right now. Let's face it--what is the point of all this?? Hasn't my Mom been through enough in her life? Does she really DESERVE this final insult? She worked hard her entire life; she and my Dad didn't give me everything but I certainly didn't WANT for anything. A benign tumor on her spinal column robbered her of her independence--she lost almost all feeling on her right side; she has a fused set of vertebrate in her neck from the surgery; osteoporosis has increased her inability to lift her head off her chest; her right shoulder is frozen so she cannot lift that arm; she can no longer write--and when she is forced to sign something she is humiliated by the look of the signature. She is in a wheelchair because her balance is unsteady and with the weakness in her right leg she does not trust herself to stand/walk. And the worse part: she loved to drive and THAT was taken away as well.
So again I ask God, what is the point of all this--hasn't she been through enough??
Ok, I get it. It's my lesson to learn. I'm supposed to learn compassion, self-lessness, sacrifice, and patience. It get it. But for Pete's sake, why does she have to suffer for the sake of my learning impairment?
So God and I are not on good terms. I run and I yell at him. ...and I do not care if the people who see me/hear me think I'm nuts. Maybe I am. But damn it, it just isn't fair.
Right and once you accept the fact that life isn't fair it becomes fair. Sorry folks, not buying the psycho-babble bullshit today.
So this week has been on the quiet side, and while I've written 9 pages of Brian's show, I still have 7 more to go in order to finish part one and I just don't have the energy right now.
Tomorrow we head to NY for a thorough exam, a new mammogram and a second opinion.....let the proverbial games begin.
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