(For those that once followed and may follow again: Buford passed away December 2009. That was the first day my heart broke. My best friend and soul mate unexpectedly passed away September 16, 2010. That was the second time in less than a year that my heart broke. And now we are most likely heading toward the third time...not sure if it will happen in the same calendar year but it really doesn't matter, does it?)
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Haven't posted in a year and half...frankly because I forgot I had the blog. I wish I could say there was better news to report but sadly things started to take a "turn" back in September 2010. The cancer has started progressing / advancing and well, here's what happened and where things stand with mom now:
She started to show signs of the cancer getting "smarter" and the Aromasin no longer being effective. The external primary lesion doubled in size almost overnight and a Pet-CT in October showed significant growth in the breast lesions and "activity" in the liver lesions. This was all discovered just before I moved my mother into my home because the external primary lesion on her breast began to bleed.
NYU was now too far away--everything had to be moved to Delaware. If she needed to undergo radiation then there was no way for NYU to be part of her world. Before being able to get anything set it was November and she ended up in the ER at the local hospital because I could not get the bleeding under control. While there we were put in touch with an oncologist and her first appointment was set up.
NYU started posturing with regard to releasing her records. I was in the middle of a professional pissing contest. NYU wanted DE to contact them--and they know it does NOT work that way. Fortunately the people in DE are more human that those in NYU (and I say that as a member of a family filled with doctors who are associated with NYU). Finally her records were received and she was seen by a very attentive and supportive oncologist.
Radiation was the next step and the appointment with the radiation oncologist was scheduled. All for naught as I had to call an ambulance to the house to take her to the hospital because again, the bleeding could not be stopped and this time it was very bad.
Time to add insult to injury: the bleeding was finally controlled but her O2 stats were in the mid-80's. BAD NEWS! So on November 18, 2010 my mother was admitted to Christiana Hospital. Her O2 never came back up without the aid of oxygen so she was plugged into the O2 system in her room. Next began the parade of doctors: oncologist, covering primary physician, covering surgeon...that's right, surgeon. There was no way to avoid it any longer.
At first it appeared as if they wanted to do a full mastectomy. Really?! To serve what purpose?? She's 86 years old, her breathing is compromised, she has had liver mets since diagnosis 2.5 years ago and the cancer has finally spread to her lymph nodes. Essentially she has been in Stage Iv for two and half years--median life expectancy for a woman HALF her age! Who are we kidding her? She would never survive the recovery and in all honesty, she's heading toward the final turn of the home stretch so can we PLEASE concentrate on quality of life and comfort?
I was heard...not sure by who, but I was heard. On Tuesday, November 23, 2010, my mother had a lumpectomy under local anesthesia. On Wednesday, November 24, 2010 my mother returned home to my house with a supply of oxygen the likes of which I have never seen. She is weak--from the surgery and from being in the hospital in a bed for 6 days. She is worn out, in mild pain, and I see a lack of willpower for the first time. She cannot transfer from the wheelchair to the toilet without assistance so I am going to need lots of help.
Me? I'm exhausted. I'm angry...ok, I've been angry for years (heck, my whole life). I have no patience to deal with this situation because I cannot "fix" it. I loathe her whining and constant asking for things---not things that she needs, but things to simply distract me from doing my work (which if I don't get done will not fare well for either of our futures). I know she just wants company. But if she would just once in her life ask for help it would be easier. That, of course, is not something she has ever been able to do so why I am hoping for the "old dog to learn a new trick" I have no idea.
Yes, it's like a mirror. And it is a valid argument for nature vs. nurture given the fact that I'm adopted. She has no patience--I have no patience. She cannot ask anyone for help--I most certainly cannot ask for help. "Damn it! Leave me alone! I can do this!!" (Um, no, I really can't but that is my make up, my personality, and these are perhaps two of the big life lessons I'm here to learn....wonder how I'm doing??)
So I do not really know what the road will bring...well, actually I do. I just don't know how long the road is nor how many potholes, hidden drives, and other obstacles are awaiting me. Regardless, it is going to be ugly and hard. And that is probably just skimming the surface.
